Not really in the mood? Wake up, libido!

It seems to be taken for granted that people are interested in love. Almost the entire entertainment industry is built on the appeal of intimate togetherness: in novels, movies, commercials, and pop songs. At the same time, sexologists and couples therapists report that a steadily growing number of women—and, more recently, men as well—simply aren’t interested.

Desire is a vague concept, but in principle it always works the same way. Whether it involves food, drink, or sex: when we are touched, sensors in the skin send impulses to the cerebral cortex. This, in turn, activates the limbic system—the brain’s emotional and reward center. But how does desire for sex specifically arise? Where does lust begin, and where does arousal? And how does one influence the other? Scientists refer to this as the “cerebral sex regulation system” and admit that they still know very little about the external factors that influence our desire.

When a couple plans to have a baby together, this can quickly turn into a source of stress, especially if they don’t conceive “right away.” Sex can quickly go from being a beautiful act of togetherness to a strictly scheduled chore. It’s no wonder that libido often wanes in such situations. Sometimes, however, there may be entirely different reasons behind the lack of desire: Do both partners really want a baby equally? Talk openly and as equals with each other as a couple, and share any fears or concerns you may have!

Once the little ones are born, you’re often just exhausted and tired by the end of the day! Although this is the case for many, if not all, new parents, it’s unfortunately rarely discussed in public. As the children get older, couples suddenly find themselves at risk of drowning in chaos amid work, household chores, homework, parent-teacher conferences, daycare parties, and other commitments. The “working mom” portrayed in the media, who seems to handle everything with effortless ease, isn’t helpful here. In reality, however, there’s often little time left for couples to enjoy moments of peace together. In such cases, it’s important to refocus on your time together as a couple. Make time for each other! Create beautiful moments together, enjoy each other’s affection, and be tender with one another. Hire a babysitter, go out together, and treat yourselves to a relaxing weekend just the two of you. Far away from the stress of everyday life, your libido will reignite all on its own.

No one has to feel like it all the time. No one really knows for sure what’s considered “normal” in terms of frequency. Facts and figures don’t really help; they merely illustrate the range of what’s considered human: from never to several times a day. What’s more: it’s not about the quantity; more often doesn’t mean better or more satisfying. When desire wanes, there may also be physical causes, such as hormonal imbalances like androgen or estrogen deficiency in women. Side effects of medications, such as antidepressants, the birth control pill, or an IUD, can play a role, as can depression, stress, and exhaustion, alcohol dependence, and serious physical ailments. In each individual case, these potential triggers must be distinguished from the psychosocial context—that is, the family, professional, and emotional well-being of the person affected.

Unfortunately, there is no magic cure for a loss of sexual desire, as the causes can vary greatly from woman to woman (and from man to man). In many cases, however, the causes of a decreased libido can be identified and addressed! The right people to consult about a lack of libido are your gynecologist, family doctor, or a qualified sex therapist.